Sometimes my life moves so fast my emotions have a hard time keeping up. Its funny how a month ago i was still feeling the after effects of the break up that my ex put me through , and now this weekend he is the furthest person from my thoughts before i fall asleep at night.
I'm not sure how my feelings seem to have changed so completely... i've recently started to like someone else, a guy i've worked closely with everyday for over a year. Its strange as i've never really looked at him in that light before... and then suddenly i noticed he was there, like a lightbulb inside switching on, but not in an instant, no it was more of a subtle glow at first... hardly noticable, and now it's so bright i can't seem to ignore it.
I'm not sure if he feels the same way, but S (as i'll call him) has a long term gf so it's really a moot point what he feels about me. Theres no way he would leave his gf for me or anyway i'd want to be his bit on the side so i should just forget him. If only it was that simple.
Last week i went out with him and some others after work and i may have paid him more attention, though only in a friendly manner, than the rest. I never made a move on him, but still i'm angry with myself for wanting his attentions back. He was as friendly as he normally is towards me, although at one point he put his hand on my waist. I did do the good girl thing and back away when he did that, and then when we were talking, something i said made him ask me if 'i would go out with him' (i know you're thinking 'what?' but it was kind of in line with our conversation) and i just laughed and made it into a joke.
Anyway whatever he said or did means nothing as he was drunk, so i'm going to let it go no matter how much i really like him.
I just wish i would stop wanting men who i either can't have or don't want me. It's really begining to get me down :(
Sunday, 26 November 2006
Wednesday, 22 November 2006
Work Rage
Today i very nearly came close to having a strop at work again, largely due to certain people who just don't seem to be able to keep their nose out of my business. I did manage to keep it under wraps as best i could, although i have a feeling that some of the girls at work were not impressed. Well, you know what, i don't care! I've just about had enough of that place, especially after my boss came on to me last week on a work night out. I mean he's married for goodness sake!
Anyway after telling him over msn (of all ways to do it) that i wasn't too happy with the whole situation, he got a bit upset, but not before asking me in the cold, sober light of the next working day if i would care to join him for drinks on the weekend. Not sure what it is with being single and having men suddenly all wanting a not so innocent little something from you.
I'm going to check tomorrow and see if i have 'come and get it while it's hot' stamped all over my forehead.
Anyway after telling him over msn (of all ways to do it) that i wasn't too happy with the whole situation, he got a bit upset, but not before asking me in the cold, sober light of the next working day if i would care to join him for drinks on the weekend. Not sure what it is with being single and having men suddenly all wanting a not so innocent little something from you.
I'm going to check tomorrow and see if i have 'come and get it while it's hot' stamped all over my forehead.
Letter to my ex boyfriend
Today I received your text… apparently in your travels you have met loads of new, amazing friends and having the most wonderful time of your life. That was place we were planning to visit together later this year, the trip we were looking forward to. Well forgive me for not being entirely chuffed that you’re there without me honey, I’m still a little bitter about the whole thing even though you have said how sorry you are for hurting me and that you never meant to.
Well that’s just it, you never meant to do anything to hurt me, yet you did almost all the time towards the end. You never meant to miss our dates, you never meant to forget our anniversary, you never meant to not forget to call, you never meant to fuck off and forget about me…. Oh grow up.
If you’d have wanted to be with me and you love me as much as you still say you do then why are you not here right now begging me to take your back. Because you’re a liar and a coward and you’re scared that one day you may want the option to rekindle what we had so by being the nice guy… telling me you need your space, telling me you still love me, telling me that we can’t get back together YET, you’ve planted a poisonous seed in my mind that one day you will come back to me.
What a joke, as if I’d wait around for you my darling.
I’m not that desperate.
Five years we were together, five rollercoaster years that now have faded into distant memories. Even my dreams have given up on you… because you chose to give up on us. You told me when we first met that I was the one you’d been looking for your whole life. That was the other half of you. You even convinced me that we were soul mates. I was reluctant at first to give my heart up so easily but you wore me down, constantly making me feel so alive and close to you. We stayed together, through the bad times and through the good. We were the golden couple to many of our friends. We argued, we made up, we laughed, we cried, we went on adventures… we even spoke of the future of a family. I felt so safe with you, that you would never leave me (something u actually promised). You told me that I would leave you if we ever did split up because you loved me too much.
We had the best ingredients for an amazing relationship for a lifetime but then in the last year, little by little you messed it up. It was like your mind was in two places at once. You’d started earning more money than we’d ever had before. Working hard made you stressed and irritable. You were mean and not nice to be around. Still I didn’t expect you to turn around and say u wanted out. I knew you were unhappy but most people change their lifestyle, go back to the things that made them happy… your sport, your projects, the dreams you had that u let fall by the wayside. Instead u gave up me.
If you had told me you were falling out of love with me that I would have believed, it would have hurt like hell but I would have accepted it. Instead you tell me some crazy bullshit story that you’ve decided that people (like yourself) can’t be in relationships because they need to be free. WTF?? Really? So u expect me to believe u when u say that you’re never going to be with anyone else for the rest of your life? If you don’t love me anymore just say it. Don't lie. Go… find yourself and find out who u were, that was what you wanted wasn’t it? Don’t tell me your hurting just as much as me cos I don’t think so. If you could feel my pain then you’d know that what you’re feeling is only a fraction of the anguish you’ve caused me. And furthermore don’t make me feel bad that I didn’t want to be you friend. I needed time to get away from you and you constant texts and emails to see how I’m doing.
I’m doing fine, in fact I’m great and I’m just beginning to realize what a vacuum you were for all my time and energy. And if I see you and you tell me how happy you are that I’m happy one more time I’m not sure I’d be nice. And trust me… I’m trying to be.
So don’t worry, when you get back from your little trip (the one I’d waited 4 years to go on with you) I’ll be really nice, the best friend you always said I was. I’ve moved on that much that the sharp pain in my very core has subsided to an almost forgotten ache and you no longer have the power to make me cry.
I deserve someone who will appreciate everything I gave you and who won’t break the trust just because they were having a midlife.
Enjoy your new sports car that you bought to ‘take your mind off me’… oh wait, didn’t that breakdown and cost you twice as much as you bought it for? Oh yes… it did :)
Well that’s just it, you never meant to do anything to hurt me, yet you did almost all the time towards the end. You never meant to miss our dates, you never meant to forget our anniversary, you never meant to not forget to call, you never meant to fuck off and forget about me…. Oh grow up.
If you’d have wanted to be with me and you love me as much as you still say you do then why are you not here right now begging me to take your back. Because you’re a liar and a coward and you’re scared that one day you may want the option to rekindle what we had so by being the nice guy… telling me you need your space, telling me you still love me, telling me that we can’t get back together YET, you’ve planted a poisonous seed in my mind that one day you will come back to me.
What a joke, as if I’d wait around for you my darling.
I’m not that desperate.
Five years we were together, five rollercoaster years that now have faded into distant memories. Even my dreams have given up on you… because you chose to give up on us. You told me when we first met that I was the one you’d been looking for your whole life. That was the other half of you. You even convinced me that we were soul mates. I was reluctant at first to give my heart up so easily but you wore me down, constantly making me feel so alive and close to you. We stayed together, through the bad times and through the good. We were the golden couple to many of our friends. We argued, we made up, we laughed, we cried, we went on adventures… we even spoke of the future of a family. I felt so safe with you, that you would never leave me (something u actually promised). You told me that I would leave you if we ever did split up because you loved me too much.
We had the best ingredients for an amazing relationship for a lifetime but then in the last year, little by little you messed it up. It was like your mind was in two places at once. You’d started earning more money than we’d ever had before. Working hard made you stressed and irritable. You were mean and not nice to be around. Still I didn’t expect you to turn around and say u wanted out. I knew you were unhappy but most people change their lifestyle, go back to the things that made them happy… your sport, your projects, the dreams you had that u let fall by the wayside. Instead u gave up me.
If you had told me you were falling out of love with me that I would have believed, it would have hurt like hell but I would have accepted it. Instead you tell me some crazy bullshit story that you’ve decided that people (like yourself) can’t be in relationships because they need to be free. WTF?? Really? So u expect me to believe u when u say that you’re never going to be with anyone else for the rest of your life? If you don’t love me anymore just say it. Don't lie. Go… find yourself and find out who u were, that was what you wanted wasn’t it? Don’t tell me your hurting just as much as me cos I don’t think so. If you could feel my pain then you’d know that what you’re feeling is only a fraction of the anguish you’ve caused me. And furthermore don’t make me feel bad that I didn’t want to be you friend. I needed time to get away from you and you constant texts and emails to see how I’m doing.
I’m doing fine, in fact I’m great and I’m just beginning to realize what a vacuum you were for all my time and energy. And if I see you and you tell me how happy you are that I’m happy one more time I’m not sure I’d be nice. And trust me… I’m trying to be.
So don’t worry, when you get back from your little trip (the one I’d waited 4 years to go on with you) I’ll be really nice, the best friend you always said I was. I’ve moved on that much that the sharp pain in my very core has subsided to an almost forgotten ache and you no longer have the power to make me cry.
I deserve someone who will appreciate everything I gave you and who won’t break the trust just because they were having a midlife.
Enjoy your new sports car that you bought to ‘take your mind off me’… oh wait, didn’t that breakdown and cost you twice as much as you bought it for? Oh yes… it did :)
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